The toilet is king

Authors: theBwang & Lemper123

The Roman Empire. Napoleon’s reign. The Tang Dynasty. The Cretaceous Period. Why did these mighty seemingly invincible eras become smothered into the tracks of history? Some people declare it was plagues that devastated these epochs. Others proclaim wars finished off some of the most powerful conglomerates in history. However, the reason why these ascendancies deteriorated became clear: The lack of toilets.

More influential than sliced bread, the toilet is the single greatest invention that mankind has ever sunk its rear end into. A person without toilets is no different than a person lacking food or water. Without them, we would wither and die on the ground, helpless to control our bowels. A hole in the ground just does not cut it, both bodily agonizing and foul to the senses. Our lives as we know without a proper toilet would be swept away by the sands of time, like the legacies of old. Imagine: millions suffering from the clutches of encopresis, withering on the ground, unable to dispose their waste properly. However from this darkness, toilets became invented, and the survival rate skyrocketed as the masses discovered that they could finally expel their byproducts comfortably.

In 1836, one of the most significant men that had yet to walk the face of the Earth came kicking and screaming from his mother’s womb. Eighteen years later, this man, Sir Thomas Crapper, observed his country being in the deathly grip of a cholera epidemic. The populace was in a terrible state of panic caused by poor sewage systems and the lack of proper toilets, provoking him to conceive his greatest brainchild. Thomas revolutionized the entire world with … the monumental flush toilet. This is where the story begins. The story of the young toilet, out to save Britain from the authoritative hold of a fatal disease.

A blinding light followed by several others … flashing over and over again … the sounds of people retching. I see the Creator, standing next to me. A mixed crowd of the hungry press and wide-eyed commoners engulf my radiant body. Suddenly, the puzzle pieces snapped. I am poised in front of these vicious animals on a small stage, my porcelain gleaming in the bright British sun. The Creator is giving a tribute, feeding the crowd with words, and I seem to be the center of all the hype. Did the Creator just mention something about ‘revolutionizing mankind for all eternity’? Wait, me? Suddenly, I’m being dragged away, transported by the greedy hands of the masses, who are desperate to just touch my bowl, my tank, my lid. As they move me farther and farther from the Creator, I strain as far as my body of sheer weight would allow, trying to comprehend my orientation. Abruptly, my journey comes to a halt, and with a glorious siren, the Queen stands before me. The Queen! With a benign half-smile that temporarily masks the exhaustion written on her face, she bends down, pats my tank, and looks at my bowls with an endearing glance of pride. Her face reminisces as I black out, not knowing what to expect.

As I come to, I notice something odd. A large, oppressing weight is smashing down upon my lid. I fully recover and nearly scream in horror. A particularly hairy individual has decided to take it upon himself and sit his unmentionables on me! Looking on in terror, I slowly realize that this man is the Creator. He has dropped his denim trousers in front of the mob-and the Queen-and appears to be demonstrating something – on me! “Now, after I’m through,” the Creator intones, doing something so disgusting I can’t even mention it, “I just pull this chain and it magically flushes down to the drainpipes.” I’m in shock. I can’t believe the Creator would do this to me. Through my foggy conscience, though, I hear something remarkable. “This ingenious little contrivance is the solution to our grief and suffering. The epidemic will disappear with my project installed in Britain. The disease ends here!” Cheers went up from the gathered people. Then an epiphany of wonder hit me. A hero. I was the hero of the British people. Despite my disgusting occupation, I would help millions. Save millions! I was to be the greatest thing ever created by man.

House without toilet is uncanny

– Confucius


5 thoughts on “The toilet is king

  1. thebwang Post author

    I, Pencil is a bit like I, Robot (don’t you think?). All the redundancies in life, and suddenly that one special commonplace object just simply jumps out at you.

  2. thebwang Post author

    Quick thought: The movie I, Robot would’ve been more interesting if it was done following the life of the robot instead of Will Smith.

  3. astrocentroid

    Do keep in mind that the movie was very different in both focus and narrative than the book.

    I wonder if, by following the life of the human, we were able to gain a realize the real nature of the robots along with the humans. I think that, if we had followed the life of the robot, we would not have been so shocked at many of the “human” attributes it displays. The key is looking from what is familiar at what is unfamiliar; then, the strangeness is accentuated. What do you think?

  4. Benson

    An act of strangeness repeated isn’t strange anymore. Jeans are considered strange ages before. Perhaps robots are the same; they’ll become normal when they become the commonplace of everyday life.


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